sexyback

<210 by July 31….

<195 by August 31….

<187 by September 30….

Mini Goal <185 by October 8 (DH b’day!)….

<175 by November 4 (my b’day!)….

<169 by November 30….

<161 by December 31….

Re-evaluate Goals for the New Year.

The saying is so true….you don’t know a good thing until it’s gone.  Or however it goes.  Yesterday my sister and I pulled out my “skinny clothes”.  I would just give anything to be in these clothes again RIGHT NOW!  Funny thing is, when I was in them I didn’t feel like I was skinny at all.  Sometimes I felt I was at a normal weight and others I felt I still would never be skinny enough.  What’s up with that?  Is is just the perfectionist in me or is it some body image problem?  Heck, I don’t really care, I just want to be in that red dress again!  LOL.

So this past week was really a bust.  It’s almost like my kids knew I was trying to do something for myself and they thought they would add in the pressure of being extra difficult.  I love them dearly and realize they are only little humans, but SHEEEESH! 

Anyway, so my diet left much to be desired but I did start walking again, 2 days in a row so far.  I’m not sure what the distance is, I’m thinking about 2 miles, maybe less but half of it is on an uphill incline so that’s good for the bottom, thighs and hips!  Halelujah! 

I’ve just got to stop letting the “little things” get in the way of doing what I need to do for myself.  Easier said than done!  I have determined that I can’t just do this all “cold turkey” and have to take baby steps to get back to being healthy again.  I’m just so impatient!

I was of normal weight from birth until about the time I turned 20.  From there I ballooned to about 240ish.  I’m not sure exactly how that happened, I believe it was due to many things.  I was unhappy.  I lived near my grandparents in Ohio at the time and we would refer to their house as the “Fat Farm” because there was always junk food around and they were always eating.  Everything revolved around food.  There was alot of eating out.  Looking back, it really was just a bunch of gluttony.  Then I lost my very dear great-grandmother.  I was very close to her and hers was the first death I had ever been through.  I was in a marriage that wasn’t really unhappy so-to-speak, but it was more of like being room-mates.  I became bored of him.  We just co-existed for a very long time.  Then when I was about 26 something inside of me just snapped.  I had enough of the snow, enough of the family politics, enough of this person that was supposed to be my husband and enough of being fat and I wanted out of all of it.  I set out to change my whole life and self up.  I cut out sugary drinks and fried foods and that in itself started started shedding the pounds.  I started walking and doing some aerobics.  It was nothing super strenuous, but I was definitely leaving the lazy behind.  I don’t remember exactly how much I lost but it was something like 50 lbs.  Then I was laid off from my company of almost 10 years and I saw that as my way out of the tundra.  When I was 28 I left it all behind and escaped to Dallas.  I really kicked it up when I knew my 10 yr. class reunion was coming up in 7 months.  I was walking 3 miles a day.  At my new job, I met the man who is now my wonderful husband and he introduced me to “Body for Life”.  I was at the point where I was looking pretty good but I really wanted to tone more and rev up my metabolism.  We did 12 weeks of the BFL program together and I saw phenomenal results!  By the time my reunion rolled around, I looked better than I did when I graduated high school.  Of course, I was walking every day and lifting weights practically every day for 45 mins.  I had all the time in the world to work out and I did. 

Then, got married, ate out too much, got lazier, had 2 kids and here I am….feeling overwhelmed and depressed.  I know what I need to do to get back in shape and how to do it, but I just don’t have the time or energy that I did before my kids.  I don’t even eat as much as I used to.  Could I eat better?  Definitely, but my diet is really not that bad.  I believe that I have a metabolism that needs to be revved up consistently and somehow I have got to get to it again.  I can’t do it on diet alone.  My challenge is to MAKE the time for exercise again and it is truly easier said than done for me.  HELP!

I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of looking and feeling like crap.  I feel like my true self is stuck inside this awful body.

I don’t really have the support I need in the “real world”.  My husband is great and will do anything I ask, but he always tells me I’m still sexy to him.  PLEASE!  That is such a crock!  He loves me and obviously is not going to say to me, “yeah honey, you really need to start working out again, you look like crap!”  Not that I would want to hear him saying that to me, but I need the kind of support that will be less subjective.  Does that make sense?

Then there are my lovely children.  I do truly feel blessed to have such beautiful, healthy children.  I wouldn’t trade staying home with them for anything else in the world.  However, I do have moments that I feel like I could just explode.  The “stages” they are both in individually are very trying ones for me and makes it virtually impossible for me to exercise and eat the way I need to.  Most days I feel like the life has just been sucked right out of me.  Somehow, some way, I need to get some time for myself.  I need to re-charge that Mommy battery!

I’m planning on using this Blog as more of a diary or a place to vent if nothing else.  Getting things out this way will help me clear my mind and focus on my priorities and goals.  So let this serve as my personal disclaimer and let me apologize in advance for any crazy rantings! 

What better time to start on a journey than the 1st day of the last half of the year?  Hey, I know, it sounds flaky but I’m trying really hard to convince myself this is going to be fun and adventurous!